We’ll do the feats of strength later, but now let’s begin the airing of grievances!
- I’m tired of the overall shitty driving in Boston, but particularly, people who feel the need to drive into the opposite lane when they make a left turn. It’s not cool that I can’t drive up to the line at a light because you drive like my 5-year old at an arcade racing game. He’s literally on the sidewalk the whole game. He’s 5 and doesn’t understand things like velocity and turning. What’s your excuse?
- Please stop repeating the same clichés on your Facebook commentary, like, “only love can conquer hate” or “if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.” I’m pretty sure all the love in the world is not undoing a Trump presidency.
- Why won’t my hair grow out? When I had bangs, I had to trim them every month or they’d be in my eyes. Now when I want my hair to grow out, it’s all, “nah, I’m good.” #mediumlength4lyfe
- Enough of that radio commercial where the mom is like, “don’t cry, baby”, and then the kid’s like, “Can I have another cookie?”, and then the mom’s all, “Did you clean your room?” and he goes, “I’m in college now, mom.” I don’t even know what it’s for, but you get the gist. The incredibly annoying gist.
- Stop standing on the left side of the escalator! That side’s for non-lazies, or at least moderate-lazies who aren’t willing to take the stairs, but are willing to at least walk up a few of the moving stairs. Whatever, don’t judge me!
- Is there anyone in the world who finds radio banter funny? “You know how I get with scented candles!” “Oh yeah, Jan, you’re crazy!” I’ll take the “I’m in college now, mom” ad over this idiocy.
- “Hi, this is Edible Arrangements/Sears. I’m calling about your scheduled delivery today. Your washer was damaged. We’re not bringing the dryer either. We’ve rescheduled delivery for the 31st.” So. Many. Issues. With. This. First of all, it may not have been Edible Arrangements but it was Edible something, and they led with that, like it was the primary company. Secondly, no “I’m sorry”, and they didn’t even ask if we’d be home on NEW YEAR’S EVE to accept this delivery. They just assumed we were losers. In this case, they were correct, but what if we’d had plans to eat Edible Arrangements or something?
- Dear Avocados, it’d be great if your ripeness window was longer than 34 minutes. I bought four of you jackholes a few days ago. You were hard as a Festivus pole. Today, I cut into one of you and you were all splotchy and smelly. Get it together, avocados. Watching you, Natasha
[Ed. note: a letter within a list!]
Air your grievances in the comments section. May you all experience a Festivus miracle or two.