Do we even say “Happy Festivus”? I mean, “happy” doesn’t seem the right emotion for our annual* airing of grievances. So allow me to wish you a satisfied and vindictive Festivus. Without further ado, let’s begin the airing of grievances!
- Vertigo – Vertigo’s like getting super drunk at a total rippahhh and then trying to pass out in your bed only to have the whole room start spinning like you’re on the Turkish Twist at Canobie Lake Park, (the ride where my brother told me that people puke and then it flies back in their own faces because of the centripetal force. Who said science isn’t cool?) except you skipped the whole fun party part and you’re just sitting there getting ready to puke on yourself in bed. Anyway, I’ve had it a few times, including
thisyesterday morning and Tuesday morning and then last night at 8 pm when I was lying down to tuck in George and started spinning, preventing me from finishing this post. Anyway, I’d like it to stop now, thanks. It’s gonna be hard to have my annual Christmas Eve tradition of watching cheesy holiday movies, drinking wine and wrapping presents if I can’t drink wine. This is an essential part of the tradition, peeps.
- Anaphylactic shock, triple bypass surgery, and transitive neurological attacks, the most annoying threesome since Alvin, Simon & Theodore, the Triple Crown of shitstorms. These things make vertigo look like a trip to the candy shop and my husband had all of them in 2020. Plus, now I’ve been robbed from every being able to call him out on anything because he can play the stroke-card. Why would you let them have candy at 10 am? I had a stroke.
- People who don’t wear masks, people who wear their masks below their noses, people who wear their masks around their necks, people who forget to wear a mask every damn time they leave the house even though there’s literally a sign on the door that says, “George, wear a mask!”
- Minecraft, talking about Minecraft, youTube videos about Minecraft, Minecraft Minecoins on a Christmas list, Mine-anything, and for that matter, crafts.
- All. The. Chewing. Do you have any idea what a nightmare quarantine is for someone with misophonia? The only time my kids aren’t chewing on stuff like rabid squirrels is when my husband is eating almonds like he’s Liam Neeson and the almonds have kidnapped his daughter.
- The two-step leaving process on Zoom. Okay, buh-bye. Still smiling. Bye now. Still on camera. Byeeeee. Bye for real.
- Dogs who will come when you call except when there is something more interesting nearby. More interesting things include squirrels, chipmunks, and animal burrows.
I guess I missed the feats of strength, but it’s just as well at this point. Hope you all had a satisfying Festivus, wishing a Merry Christmas to those who celebrate and a happy New Year, free of chewing noises.
*And by annual, I mean every 4 years.