A few days ago, I posted a picture of the interior of a fridge to my IG/FB stories with the caption, “My fridge.” It was not, in fact, dear readers, my fridge. It was what I pray was a joke from some influencer, but I was shocked by how many people who at least kind of know me who thought it might be mine. So, I have taken the liberty of outlining a few reasons why it was obviously not.
- Firstly, I am not a dolt who would store my pasta in the fridge. Although, I will admit that there was a brief phase after suffering from pantry moths that I did attempt to freeze or refrigerate as many dry goods as I could, and I also have a proud collection of these types of containers. BUT STILL. Secondly, a select few people know I do not like colored pasta. I once even told a Hoboken restaurant that I was allergic to colored pasta and was outraged when I found a single orange noodle in my dish. Me: “What if I was really allergic? This could have killed me!” My roommate, Beth: “But you’re not actually allergic, you psycho.”
- Again, not a dolt. Who stores their flowers in the fridge? (As my friend Patrick said, “Uhhhh orchids like humidity just sayin.”) Also, if you know me, you also know I have a black thumb, and I would never be able to keep an orchid alive, refrigerated or not.
- VOSS? Get outta here. If I *was* going to store bottled water in the fridge, which I wouldn’t because I have a water dispenser and #savetheearth and all, it would be Fiji.
- Where to start? A) I’m a dog person. B) I don’t have a cat. C) See #1 (not a dolt). Who puts framed or even unframed photos in their fridge?
- I strongly dislike peppers.
- Michelob Ultra? Thank you to Kate who said, “When I saw that I was like … Natasha seems way better than mich ultra.” Yes I am, Kate, yes I am.
- Notice the extra space in this fridge. I’ve shared what my real fridge looks like before, and you’d be challenged to be able to fit a single additional stick of string cheese in there. In fact, we regularly have incidents where someone opens the fridge and gets attacked by a rogue cold food as if it had just been waiting for its chance to escape its overcrowded prison cell of cheese products and leftovers.
- This cheese drawer is a disgrace. If I only had two kinds of cheese in my cheese drawer, they’d be Vermont Cremont and Cabot Seriously Sharp, not these impostors. Also, what is that in the back, a stapler?
- I got lazy with the numbering, but I could go on: No to the Oui (I only eat plain Greek yogurt and George eats Stonyfield yogurt sticks), I would never refrigerate single-serve apple sauces, and where are all the leftovers?
- I will allow the rosé.
2 thoughts on “I am insulted.”
The michelob ultra seems out of place even for this chick who owns this refrigerator. And I never for a minute thought it was your fridge, you and I are kindred fridge spirits and the only thing here that isn’t out of place is the rosé. And I’ll also allow the hummus.
You know me too well. Good point on the hummus.