Happy Festivus, everyone! We’ve been here before. But has it really been 3 years since we last aired our grievances? Don’t worry, I have plenty.
- Why does a poker set need to weigh a million pounds, and why did it need to be leaning on the file drawer, and why did I have to be too lazy to move the million pound poker set such that it landed on my foot and turned me into Keyser Söze (spoiler alert)? The run streak is definitely in jeopardy.
- DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON SHUTTERFLY. Too late. We ordered our holiday cards a little on the late side, but not to worry, I paid extra for guaranteed delivery by 12/19. Figured that gave me a day or two to figure out all the addresses and get them sent out to arrive by Hanukkah and Christmas. On 12/20, I checked the status of our order and it said “being created.” Not “currently in a time machine so they can arrive yesterday, their GUARANTEED delivery date.” Needless to say, I was not pleased. The only reason Shutterfly president Ryan O’Hara isn’t getting a strongly worded letter from me, is that some holiday angel, whose name I cannot recall except that it started with two A’s (mostly because I am IN A STATE EVEN THINKING ABOUT SHUTTERFLY) refunded my rush shipping costs, gave me an additional $10 gift card, and put super rush shipping on my order, even though she originally said you could only do that at the time of the original order. Thank you, Aa_____; you are an angel. Anyway, we got our cards Saturday, and they went out today. You’ll get them sometime by the end of Hanukkah, friends.
- This was the first year I got rid of the cursed tiny-drawered advent calendar Santa that had plagued me in all previous years. However, to make up for the disappointment, I decided to give each kid a book each day in December. Little did I realize, that when you’re 8 and 10, you all of a sudden have sophisticated taste in books and I can’t just pick them all up at Saver’s for ¢79 apiece. And also, picking up the wrapping paper from the books is another thing I have to nag them about. So now, I’m giving Hazy IOU’s for books and making George wear the wrapping paper he leaves lying around as a hat of shame. Only he’s not even that ashamed and he made me wear it first, so who’s learning a lesson here?
- Update on Massachusetts drivers: Great news, they’re still a bunch of assholes. The other day, a driver got mad that I crossed the street on a run with the crosswalk light on “walking man,” preventing him from making a right on red. I flipped him off for almost hitting me, and then he took the time to stop, post-turn, and yell, “fuck you!” Amazing.
- What’s the deal with the weather? We had a 40 degree swing from one day to the next. Four out of four people in our house are sick right now; Rosie’s the only one holding down the fort. I’m barely going to be able to compete in the Feats of Strength in this condition, but luckily everyone’s pretty much similarly handicapped.
- The checkout line at TJ Maxx. What, has everyone realized you can get Bey Blades for $7.99 and a belt that holds six beers for $6.99 here? Shit.
- I take issue with people who buy gifts at the mall and then get them gift-wrapped for free at T-Mobile with tacky paper that their wives don’t want under the tree because those wives bought really pretty wrapping paper after waiting in line for like 4 hours at TJ Maxx. PEOPLE LIKE MATTY.
- Does anyone else ever feel like their dog is trying to steal their soul?
- I’ve had just about enough of people who eat popcorn at the movies. I realize that’s everyone. And that it’s my problem, but yesterday, we saw The Rise of Skywalker, and not only was the woman next to me rabidly chomping on popcorn, but she insisted on loudly licking her fingers every five chomps or so. I was dangerously close to coming to the dark side.
- What’s up with spam that forces you to thank it, or worse, put yourself down? I love how my options are to either sign up for more spam email or admit that, “I don’t need to be in the know.” Where’s the “GFY, I already have 5016 unread emails in my in box and pay Google a monthly fee to look the other way” button? I don’t owe you a thank you for forcing me to click a button.
I’m sure there’s more, but I gotta get icing this toe before the Feats of Strength.
Happy Festivus, one all all! A donation has been made in your honor to the Human Fund.