Hey Pervs

Hey Pervs,

More specifically, hey, men I run into on the Words with Pervs Friends app. Usually I start my letters with “Dear,” but unlike Trader’s Joe’s Hold The Cone mini ice cream cones, you are decidedly not dear to me. So, um, hey.

As my family will attest, I’m slightly obsessed with Words with Friends. I’ve been playing for years, mostly with my real life friends (shout out to my regulars, Francois, Staci, Brian, & Eric!), but occasionally, against random opponents. Even though I’ve had the same “real attractive” (sarcastic comment from my husband) profile photo forever, somehow in recent months, there’s been an onslaught of pervs. So pervs, I’d like to give you some tips for interacting with women/people (hint: they’re the same!) on Words with Friends.

1. DO make small talk.

Introduce yourself, tell me where you’re from and some general bio info. You know, the kind of stuff you might put in your LinkedIn blurb. THIS SHOULD NOT INCLUDE TALK OF MARRIAGE AND/OR YOUR PENIS.

 

2. DON’T call me sweetie.

Or hon or sweetheart. Even my husband doesn’t call me that and we’ve had sex. Also, don’t comment on my appearance. I’m not looking for your validation of my attractiveness; I’m looking to kick your ass at a goddamn crossword game.

3. DO know when to back down. (Hint: immediately)

4. DON’T show your butt in your profile pic.

Butt pics are the dick pics of Words with Friends.

5. DON’T make up sob stories or use a real-life tragedy to hit on chicks.

After my favorite “are you married?” small talk, I’ve had two guys tell me they’re widowers with children. After I expressed sympathy, each of them then asked if we could be friends. I’d reply something like, “Sure, Words with Friends friends.” Then one asked me if I would What’s App with him and one asked for my phone number so we could chat. NOPE. Even Nicholas Sparks knows that widower doesn’t equal automatic bone zone.

6. DON’T use the chat feature more than the actual game.

If you just want to chat, go to a chat room. (I googled them; they still exist!) If the app was called Chats with Singles, I’d understand (and also I wouldn’t play it). For the record, I’m totally cool with chatting, just not 24/7 like we’re teenage girls talking on the phone in 1986. I’m not gonna fall asleep every night chatting with you or chat while we virtually watch My So-Called Life together, “John.”

7. DON’T everything you see here.

8. DON’T assume we’re dear friends based on the fact that we played one word game online together and one time I said “Hi.”

Editor’s note: None of my dreams came true that day either.

9. DO know when to say when.

YES I GO ANGRY ON THINGS LIKE THIS, but I wasn’t about to admit it to this asshole.

10. DO challenge new people and be a normal person about it.

I’ve now instituted a no-random-challenges-from-males rule, but there are some guys who pre-date the rule that I still play with. They are smart, good players, whom I only know through Words with Friends, and we have perfectly normal chats about life, including trash talk and jokes and things I talk about with my real life friends on the app. We’ve played dozens of games without discussing my appearance or chatting for hours a day. So, shout out to Willie, Mark, “vermontdude,” Andy, Bob, Rob, and HK for being totally cool, non-perv, fun opponents. I enjoy playing with each and every one of you babydolls.

–  Natasha