Dear Instacart

Dear Instacart, Sigh. There are two types of letters I write. Some are love letters and some are unlove letters, and I’m sorry to say that this is the latter. This was so close to being a love letter. Remember the beginning of the pandemic when we were like Seth and Summer in mid-Spiderman kiss … Continue reading Dear Instacart

Dear Rocky

Dear Rocky, I love you, buddy. Let’s get that out of the way. I know you’re a little frightened right now and unsure what to make of us. Matty is big and loud and male and refuses to use the universally accepted high-pitched dog-parent voice to talk to you. Hazy keeps shoving a laptop in … Continue reading Dear Rocky

Dear 2009 Me

Dear 2009 Me, It’s 2019 you/me, checking in from the precipice of the next decade. (Or the actual next decade? We’ve never been good at Back to the Future math.) So much has changed! But don’t worry, you’re still with these two. You’ve all aged 10 years though, which means Hazy drools less and Matty … Continue reading Dear 2009 Me

Dear PWTTKATGP

Dear Parent Who Told Their Kid About the Great Pumpkin, I think it’s sweet that you told your child about the Great Pumpkin. Every family has their own holiday traditions, and I’m glad you have yours. My kids had vaguely heard about the Great Pumpkin from the Charlie Brown movie. If you recall, that Great … Continue reading Dear PWTTKATGP

Dear Christmas

Dear Christmas, Slow your f*cking roll. I am losing my Santadamn mind over here. I have a matter of days to do the following: Get a tree. Decorate the tree. Redecorate the tree after the kids “help.” Deal with this mofo and all his too-small-for-anything boxes. 24 of them. Prepare to host Friendsgiving, which we … Continue reading Dear Christmas