Dear People of Whole Foods

Dear People of Whole Foods,

Stop.

Stop driving like a-holes. It’s a parking lot, not that Canobie Lake Park ride where you drive the little cars with the metal rail in the middle so you can’t veer off track. We don’t have the metal rails, fools!

Stop taking up the entire (tiny) vegetable section while you stare at the kinds of kale and do a S.W.O.T. analysis of lacinato kale vs regular kale. Strengths: they’re both healthy! Weaknesses: they’re both kale! (Personal tip: I went with the regular, because the devil you know…)

Guy at the seafood counter – keep doing everything you’re doing. You’re great.

Stop telling yourself everything at Whole Foods is healthy. Mallow Oats are just Lucky Charms without the high fructose corn syrup and probably not even magically delicious. They still have 13 grams of sugar per serving.

Stop blocking the entire main aisle while you wait in the checkout line. Research suggests you’re most likely well-educated; surely you can figure out how to stand in line without making it impossible for anyone else to continue shopping? Please don’t make me do that thing where I work really hard to say “excuse me” without sounding like a bitch. I’m not the bitch in this scenario.

Stop putting every single thing I’ve purchased — except for my yogurt — into my insulated “cool” bag (yes, this one’s for you, Whole Foods employee) until it weights 75 pounds and I need He-Man to help me carry it and meanwhile my yogurt is still going to go bad. And when I ask you to put some stuff in another bag, don’t explain to me that you were putting all the cool stuff in the cool bag, because I know all about the cool bag and I don’t need my parsley kept at 35º at all times and I already mentioned the yogurt. Thank you for bagging, nonetheless.

Maybe just cool it overall with the general snootiness too. You’re grocery shoppers; not eco-warriors.

Thanks in advance,

Natasha