Dear Neutrogena Acne Mask, I’m not sure where to start. I saw your TV commercial the other day. Although I don’t believe you meant for this ad to be humorous, it remains the funniest commercial I’ve seen in years. I love, love, love that this girl is just kickin’ it with her fembot storm trooper … Continue reading Dear Neutrogena Acne Mask
This past weekend, my friend Dee and I took a 12-hour bus ride from Boston to DC. If you’ve never taken a 12-hour bus ride, here’s my best advice about it: don’t. It’s a little like being held hostage: you’re trapped in a small space, there’s a smelly toilet in your cell, and you never … Continue reading All the “All The Feels” Moments from the DC Women’s March
Dear Chickpeas, Who wronged you as a child? What happened that made your insides turn to chalk? Why are you so much more palatable in hummus form? Based on a recent google search I did for “chickpeas are gross” to see if there’s a whole underground swelling of chickpea haters (sorry, chickpeas), I stumbled upon … Continue reading Dear Chickpeas
I already had some things in mind when I went to write this. Then I googled, “Things you should know how to…”, and discovered so many more inadequacies. Thanks, interwebs! Did you know that there are quite a few lists of the 25 Things Everyone Should Know How To Do by 25? And did you know that there are … Continue reading Basic Life Skills I Lack
Dear Parent Trap (the Lindsay Lohan version, not that that’s important), Let me get this straight: the basic plot of this movie is that identical twin sisters meet at summer camp and trade places, so that each can meet their previously unknown biological parent and scheme to get them back together. WHAT. So these two … Continue reading Dear Parent Trap
Dear O The Oprah Magazine Cover Girl Oprah, I don’t know if you remember this — in fact, I’m almost positive you don’t — but I was on your show once. Well, not in person, but a photo of me was. Even better, it was my fat photo, and my face was blurred out. It … Continue reading Dear O The Oprah Magazine Cover Girl Oprah
Obviously, I could write a doozy of a list about ways that 2016 sucked. But I’m too sad about Bowie and Prince, and too mad about the witless f*cking cocksplat to talk about them any more. This year, I attended a Life is Good Children’s Foundation event called Art of Optimism. It was, as the name … Continue reading Ten Ways 2016 Didn’t Suck
We’ll do the feats of strength later, but now let’s begin the airing of grievances! I’m tired of the overall shitty driving in Boston, but particularly, people who feel the need to drive into the opposite lane when they make a left turn. It’s not cool that I can’t drive up to the line at a light … Continue reading Happy Festivus!
The holidays are a busy time for parents. Not only are we busy decorating, gift-shopping, party-throwing, tree-trimming, threatening and bribing, but we also need to keep things straight in the elaborate web of lies we’ve created around an imaginary fat stranger who spies on us all year and then sneaks into our homes one night … Continue reading FAQs In My Increasingly Complex Christmas Web Of Lies
Dear Wegmans’ Catalog Designer, First of all, kudos to you on finding a somewhat non-clichéd generic holiday image. Clementines! I love it. Quick question though, what are we doing with this peeled clementine? It appears we are stringing a ribbon through the peeled clementine, and then what? Hanging the exposed citrus fruit in the window? I … Continue reading Dear Wegmans’ Catalog Designer
Letters & Lists 