I’ve been doing a lot of karaoke lately. Well, actually, I do a lot of karaoke, period. Is it weird to type out period the way we would say it, question mark?
I’ve always been what my parents call a “ham” but unfortunately I’m not really what people with working ears call a “good singer,” but that hasn’t stopped me. I even sang in a real life choir for a while. And while I may not be/am definitely not a good singer, I am a great performer, and I think we can all agree that this is the most important prereq for being good at karaoke. As anecdotal evidence, there was one night in NYC that my friend (and karaoke soulmate) Misong and I sang at a Lower East Side bar until we lost our voices. When we went to leave at like 1:30 am, the other people at the bar begged us not to go. They chanted “one more song!” like we were the Rolling Stones. Also, Matty and I won my friend Renee’s Now That’s What I call 40 Karaoke Contest this year with our poignant performance of the Pussycat Dolls’ Don’t Cha earlier this year. So, it’s with that level of expertise that I humbly present my submission for the ultimate karaoke setlist.
- Start with something that people don’t expect your “type” to sing.
For me, a seemingly mild-mannered middle aged lady, my go-to is Teenage Dirtbag. I also dabble in Celebrity Skin. For Matty, who looks like he should sing Teenage Dirtbag, it’s Always a Woman by Billy Joel. He doesn’t even like Billy Joel, but he does it for me. Swoon.
One time, my snowboarder bro-friend Carter, sang Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera. He is literally the last person you’d imagine knowing, let alone singing, this song and that’s what makes it perfect. (He’s more of a Pour Some Sugar On Me kinda guy, as evidenced by him putting on an epic performance of this song at our wedding.) The other night, our friend John, a khaki-wearing baseball dad, sang Party in the USA. He was moving his hips like yeah, and we were all feeling it. - Next, sing a song people forget exists but then remember they love it.
And you know why they’ll especially love it? Because you will sing it like you *are* the artist who wrote that song and feel every word of every lyric. A few to try:
Brandy (Remember, you don’t just like the sea, it’s actually your life, your love, and your lady, you sick perv.)
Zombie (This isn’t Disney’s Zombies – thank God – it’s Dolores O’Riordan’s and you better be making people cry and/or join the peace corps when you sing about the tanks and the bombs and the bombs and the guns.)
Midnight Train to Georgia (Make sure to let some friends be your Pips to emphasize that you’re really leaving. Leaving!)
Son of a Preacher Man (Imagine if your first time was with the son of a preacher, sweet Jesus.) - You’ve been hogging the mic for a bit, time for a duet, preferably something dramatic that you can act out with your partner.
Here are some of my favorites:
Shallow (Don’t worry that this is a “hard” song and you’re not a good singer – remember, it’s all about performance. Did Bradley Cooper know he was a great singer before A Star Is Born? Probably. Okay, bad example.)
Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now (Matty and I sang this at our friends’, Kerry and Damian, wedding reception. They are still married, many years later. I like to think this performance contributed to that.)
Don’t You Want Me (Have fun with gender roles – maybe the man is the one who was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, right? Fun fact: my friend Ron and I did this once for our agency karaoke competition, Connelly Idol. We did not win. We were robbed, Ron!)
Somebody That I Used To Know (Make it a trio and let somebody do all those bonus somebody’s!)
I Think We’re Alone Now (not traditionally a duet, but it works really well as one, right, KB?)
Home by Edward Sharpe (Do not sleep on the little spoken word drama section in the middle of the song.) - Sing something provocative.
Maybe I Touch Myself or Naughty Girls Need Love, Too. (I do and they do!) - Throw in a badass lady anthem.
I was gonna elaborate to say, if you’re a lady, but really everyone can and should sing a badass lady anthem.
Before He Cheats
9 to 5
Jolene (I’ll forever hear you singing this, Vega.)
Bad Reputation
Cherry Bomb - And then keep them on their toes with something that takes people back to a happy, simpler time:
Could be Freedom by Wham! or Everybody Wants to Rule the World. - Read the room.
Is everyone here Gen X or Z? Sing All The Small Things or Mr. Brightside.
Even older? How about Paint It Black or If I Could Turn Back Time.
Is it ladies’ night? Do I Wanna Dance with Somebody or Like a Prayer.
Did a wedding party just make this bar their after after-party? Sing Marry You by Bruno Mars.
Are you with your college friends who went to a Savage Garden concert to in the late 90’s where one of you wore either a lime green or hot pink (accounts differ) fuzzy mini skirt? Oddly specific, but if so, sing Truly Madly Deeply. - Pick something you just really want to sing, audience tastes be damned.
I did A Little Respect by Erasure the other night and it made me so happy.
Rosa chose Bizarre Love Triangle and it was a delight. - Throw in a karaoke classic that people actually enjoy.
Take On Me (bonus points if you reenact the Greatest Video of All Time and throw yourself against imagined cartoon walls)
To Be With You
Stay by Lisa Loeb - End with the all-time greatest karaoke song.
Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler, but importantly, sung in the style of the Dan Band. This means adding f-bombs wherever you can, in surprising and delightful places, e.g. “f*&king turn around, bright eyes…f*&king every now and then I fall apartttttt.” Misong and I have performed this literally dozens of times and it is our closer. You haven’t lived until you’ve lived inside a f*&king powder keg and been giving off sparks.
Now that you have your setlist, here are a few no-nos:
- Living on a Prayer – I’m not saying this is a bad song, but it’s a bad karaoke song. You’ll never get to just sing it like a normal karaoke song because the whole place will start scream-shouting “Whoaaaaa we’re halfway there!” and you’ll start to understand why Jon Bon is such a douchebag, because dude never gets to sing his own hit song without a bajillion people shouting it off-key and drowning him out.
- Love Shack – I am saying this is a bad song. It should never be played, whether that’s in a karaoke bar or on the radio or <shudder> live in concert.
- Come Undone – this is an awesome song, but unless you are a really, really good singer, do not attempt it. I think it’s actually doable if you don’t try to also do the super high backup singer part “Can’t ever keep from falling apart, at the seams.” Even Simon Lebon, in all his foxiness, knew better. But when I get into a karaoke song, I like to do all the parts, like the low, “Takkkkkke onnnnn meee…” and then the high “Take on Me!” so it’s hard for me to not attempt to sing the whole thing and there was a lot of apologizing during and after the song.
- Disney songs: Believe me, I love Part of Your World as much as the next girl (and by as much as, I mean, 200 times more than), but no one wants to hear you sing this shit. The only exception is rule #1, like you could sing a Disney song if you were like a tattooed goth dude or a finance bro. Side note: I recently learned that Part of Your World was written by a gay man in the 80’s, and if you listen to the lyrics with that context, it’s an even more touching and meaningful song.
- Showtunes: There’s an exception to every rule; I wish you could hear Carter singing Music of the Night. It was somehow both hilarious and poignant. But here’s a cautionary tale and why this rule exists: One time in the early 2000’s, we were singing karaoke at Winnie’s, a Chinese dive restaurant that used to offer karaoke on the weekends. Matty (my then boyfriend) and I were there with a bunch of friends, including one that everyone called Gay Johnny, who was funny and extra and also gay (not sure why that had to be part of his name, but I swear, everyone called him that). This was a true dive and the karaoke was down and dirty and fun. Imagine our excitement when Claire from Six Feet Under (Lauren Ambrose) came on stage. This was at the height of SFU, one of the greatest shows ever. Then imagine our disappointment when she decided to sing an unironic Castle on a Cloud from Les Miz. She sang it because she knew she was a good singer and she thought we’d all ooh and aah over her. It went on and on, and even though (or maybe because) she had a beautiful voice, it was a total buzzkill. That’s until Gay Johnny, representing all of us, walked up to her and literally kicked her ass. Literally. I’m not lying when I tell you there was a TMZ (or TMZ equivalent) article online the next day that said something along the lines of “Claire from Six Feet Under Gets Kicked Off Karaoke Stage by Gay Johnny” (That wasn’t the exact headline, but that’s how it lives in my head. I wish I had printed it and framed it.)
- Bohemian Rhapsody – there’s a bar in NY that charges $1 per song on karaoke night and there’s a little index card behind the bar that says, “Bohemian Rhapsody $1.50.” That’s because the song is like 2 hours long. I love love love Queen but nobody needs to listen to you do a never-ending rock opera while they’re 12th in line to sing their song.
A few other tips:
- Incorporate props – Put on a fun hat, kick a stool over for emphasis (f&%king every now and then I fall apart!!), hold onto the mic stand like you’re Freddie Mercury.
- Use your extras – These are the people whose faces you stroke or hats you steal (see props). Or, say you see someone who looks exactly (in your drunken condition) like John Oates, what do you do? There’s only one choice: you go and you put Rich Girl in the karaoke queue and you insist he duets with you, obviously. (See if you can find him in the photos above.) But use caution, one woman seemed slightly displeased when I gestured to her general area while singing, “arrest this girl, her Hitler hairdo is making me feel ill” during Karma Police. To be fair, she didn’t really have a Hitler hairdo.
- Use your space – sit on a chair (backwards if you’re singing a ballad, legs up if you’re being sexy), roll on the floor (hello, Madonna singing Like a Virgin at the VMAs), walk around the room, lean on a column, sweep some papers off of a bar table.
- Do different voices where appropriate – Shouldn’t Noelle have a higher pitched voice when she invites the dirtbag to go to Iron Maiden? Shouldn’t “I think we’re alone now” sound like a super sexy secret? Stay is a tender song, but “No no no, baaaaaad!” should be sing-shouted with some passion.
The most important thing is that if you’re having fun, your audience will have fun. As my friend John (of Party in the USA fame) wrote me last weekend, “Natasha, your singing and joy are contagious!” I’ll leave you with these inspirational words from Starship: Take it to the good times, see it through the bad times, whatever it takes is what I’m gonna do. *kicks over stool*
What did I miss? Put your best karaoke song reco in the comments.
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