Dear Facebook, Oh I’m sorry, you pretentious ass. Dear Meta, I want to tell you a little story. Once upon a time there was a beautiful warrior (what? this is my story) named Natasha. She was a longtime loyal user of Meta, both the Facebook and the Instagram. She even had side Insta accounts, one … Continue reading Dear Facebook
Dear Body, I’ve been thinking a lot about bodies lately. First, there was that ad during the Olympics that basically talks about marrying one’s body and staying with it “in sickness and health.” But as you know, Body, I’m already married, and while my Beloved farts more than you do, I’m not ready to go … Continue reading Dear Body
Dear People Driving on I-89 S on Sep. 7th, 2021 around 12:30 pm, I realize you’re a select bunch and that this letter is long overdue. I want to address something you may have seen and assure you that there’s a very reasonable explanation. Back in September of last year, our family had been fortunate … Continue reading Dear People Driving on I-89 S on Sep. 7th, 2021 around 12:30 pm
Dear Instacart, Sigh. There are two types of letters I write. Some are love letters and some are unlove letters, and I’m sorry to say that this is the latter. This was so close to being a love letter. Remember the beginning of the pandemic when we were like Seth and Summer in mid-Spiderman kiss … Continue reading Dear Instacart
Sing it with me, that’s what friends are forrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! And man, have my friends turned up yet again. So this letter’s for you. Dear Friends Who’ve Helped Me Network, A little over a month ago, I got laid off. I went through the usual stages of job-grief fairly quickly: shock (“But this is why I … Continue reading Smiling, Shining, Networking
Dear Rocky, I love you, buddy. Let’s get that out of the way. I know you’re a little frightened right now and unsure what to make of us. Matty is big and loud and male and refuses to use the universally accepted high-pitched dog-parent voice to talk to you. Hazy keeps shoving a laptop in … Continue reading Dear Rocky
Dear Friends, This will be a less funny Letters & Lists post, kind of like “a very special episode” of Diff’rent Strokes but with less (possibly no) Mr. Drummond. We took this photo the night before Matty went in for heart surgery. Matty hates that I feel the need to chronicle our entire life in … Continue reading A Completely Un-Reluctant Thank You Note to Friends
Dear Bees, Originally, this was gonna be a “Suck it, you can’t have him” letter in which I rub it in your face that despite your best attempts, you did not steal my husband from me. You and your little Matriarchal society (respect) drones may have attacked him with your butt swords (I don’t know … Continue reading A Reluctant Thank You Note to Bees
Dear Everyone Who’s Ever Emailed Me, In the words of the unlikable Justin Bieber, is it too late now to say sorry? I have a serious email problem. (Nope, not the one about the sign offs.) Like 4,271 unread emails serious. I also have the crappiest system ever invented for responding to emails. The system … Continue reading Dear Everyone Who’s Ever Emailed Me,
Dear 2009 Me, It’s 2019 you/me, checking in from the precipice of the next decade. (Or the actual next decade? We’ve never been good at Back to the Future math.) So much has changed! But don’t worry, you’re still with these two. You’ve all aged 10 years though, which means Hazy drools less and Matty … Continue reading Dear 2009 Me
Letters & Lists 