Proposed National Holidays

I found out it was National Lobster Day just in the nick of time yesterday. (Thank you, Meghan, for your tweet.) I picked myself up a pound-and-a-halfer at Wegman’s and somewhat-humanely murdered it for dinner.  I’ve also celebrated National Ice Cream Day, National Wine Day, and somewhat half-harrrrrghtedly, National Talk Like a Pirate Day (see what I did there?) this year. (Plus, I just put National Nacho Day in the calendar and I’d like to convey my disappointment that it’s on a Monday.) It feels like we have a holiday for everything, but upon quick google search, that is not in fact true. Here are a few I would like to propose:

National Fast Walkers Day – This would be kind of like The Purge except the only so-called crime we’d legalize would be punching out slow walkers. If you don’t want to get punched, just speed up a bit and celebrate with us!

National Tell Your Family Members What You Really Think Day – I can’t give any examples here because it’s not NTYFMWYRT Day yet, but just know that there are things. Perhaps this is too similar to Festivus.

National Send a Package Day – I sent a care package and received one recently and both experiences made me so happy. Wouldn’t it be awesome if everyone sent one one day every year? Maybe there could even be a registry where sad kids could list their favorite things and you could sponsor them with a care package.

National Unsolicited Advice Day – Hear me out on this one. We give busybodies this one day where they are encouraged to give unsolicited advice about our children, our bodies, our eating habits, etc. Then the other 364 DAYS OF THE YEAR you can be like, “oh wait, is it National Unsolicited Advice Day? No, that’s in March. So STFU.”

National No Pants Day – this one’s for you, George, and let’s be honest, for everyone else too. (Holy crap – it already exists! And we missed it! No one tell George.)

National Dance Fight Day – All arguments will be settled via dance fight.

National Facebook Honesty Day – Less “Feeling #blessed”, more “Going down #shamespiral because I lost my temper with 5-year old when he had a tantrum over me throwing out his used, deflated balloon and told my dog to f@$k off because her neediness is overwhelming me.” Just a hypothetical example, guys, everything’s great. #blessed

National Don’t Drive Like An Asshole Day – You know, use your blinkers, let people merge, stop texting. This should be every day, but maybe if we make it a national holiday, it will bring more attention to this important issue. I’m sure Bostonians won’t observe, but a girl can dream.

National Unrigged Claw Game Day – Win all the prizes! Even the giant one in the middle that looks so easy to grab but $27 later, it’s still dropping out at the last second because I swear they’ve greased that claw hand.

National Sleep In Day – It’ll be legally required that work hours start at noon. We’ll make this on a Monday, natch.

I’m open to other suggestions for national holidays. In terms of suggestions for other things, let’s wait until National Unsolicited Advice Day, okay? Thanks.