Things That Could Have a Better System

I recently had gum grafting surgery, which involves a periodontist stabbing you with Novocaine 8-10 times, then carefully removing the human skin from the top of your mouth, applying it to the receding gum area (in my case, below my bottom front teeth) and then suturing the bloody remainders of your demolished mouth back together. Then they send you home with an ice pack, some 800 mg prescription Advil that strips your stomach lining, and some advice not to work out, drink through a straw, or eat spicy foods. This prompted me to ask myself, like a less fashion-forward Carrie Bradshaw with fu manchu-like facial bruising, “Could there be a better way to do this?”

That led me to think of other things that could have a better system.

The Reeses Peanut Butter Cup wrapper

Surely there’s a better design than this one that leads to this crucial part of the chocolate to peanut butter ratio being left behind. In related news, the perfect ratio can be found in any seasonal Reeses shape, e.g. the Easter eggs or the Christmas trees. Jesus take the wheel indeed.

Mammograms

I guarantee if men had to have annual mammograms, in which they had to have their pectorals compressed into the size of a Willy Wonka gobstopper via something that resembles my mom’s old flower press, they would’ve invested billions of dollars into coming up with a better system. In the meantime, women are stuck having our breasts manhandled (womanhandled?) into a vertical garbage compactor and being told to, “hold your breath” while digital photos are taken of said compacted breast flesh. Also, half the time the photos are inconclusive, and they have you come in a second time for more intense flesh-compacting plus an ultrasound, while you think of worst-case scenarios and redo your will.

The ordering system at Flour Bakery

I’m just kidding! We’ve already gone over this, Joanne, and you know I love you and I’d get a mammogram if it meant getting a Lola cookie.

Rotaries/Roundabouts

No one knows what they’re doing here and it shows.

Vertigo Treatment

I was just talking to a friend the other day about vertigo, which, if you’ve ever had it, is an absolute nightmare. You basically feel like you’re trapped on the teacups ride and if you somehow manage to call your doctor while listing across your bedroom, they’ll tell you about this Epley Maneuver, which is basically the dance from The OA but more complicated, and it has about a 3% success rate, at least for me it did. Imagine being drunk with the spins and having to learn an elaborate Mandy Moore contemporary dance routine. Medical researchers, after fixing the mammogram thing, let’s put this on the list.

TV Channels or whatever we’re calling them now

Service providers? Streaming media channels? All I know if we have pretty much all of them and when I hear about some new show, I have to search on cable and then on Roku, and then download some new channel called PIBO or Skumi or whatever just launched so I can watch Mannequin.

TSA

Yes, I have secretly injected a flammable substance in this DISNEY SNOW GLOBE I BOUGHT AT THE AIRPORT GIFT SHOP FOR MY NEPHEW YOU ABSOLUTE FLAMING BAG OF ASPARAGUS PEE.

My blog writing schedule

I *may* have fallen a bit off the old writing wagon. My last post was last year.

Spam emails and texts

You literally cannot stop them from coming. I’ve already talked about my email problem. I currently have 14,295 unread emails. The text problem is especially annoying, because you try to do one nice thing to support democracy or gun control and suddenly every day, you’re getting more and more texts from people like Trisha Calvarese who is OFFICIALLY the Democratic nominee and here is her smiling photo in a blazer and here are six paragraphs about how much Lauren Boebert sucks and I totally get it, Trish (can I call you Trish?) but I don’t even have time to text my own husband back about whether I sent the forms back for hockey camp (I didn’t, btw, Matty) let alone read your essay about Lauren Boebert. Also, I already know she sucks, and there is literally nothing you could say in a text that will make me do anything so please for the love of god stop texting me. It doesn’t matter if you select “delete and report junk” because it is a different number every time. Same for “reply STOP to stop,” if only it were that simple, Trish. STOPPPPPPPPPPP.

Honorable Mentions that I refuse to go into detail on:

Sports bras

Dog medicine

Those “please be respectful” signs city people put on their patches of “lawn”

Microwave popcorn

Twitter’s (I mean, X’s) refresh problem

Let’s get out there and solve these issues, team! I believe in you. (Yes, even you, Trish.)