It’s the mostttt wonderful time of the year: Festivus. Time to air our grievances! I’ll go first. Here are a few of my grievances, in no particular order:
The “toilet shower” at the Tommie
I *do* appreciate my home away from home in Austin, the Tommie. But if I’m staying more than three nights, it starts to wear on me, particularly the lack of clothing storage, the leaky shower door, and the fact that the toilet is in the shower “stall,” lending it a high-class prison atmosphere. I just hope the champagne they hand me at check in isn’t toilet-shower champagne, if that’s even a thing.
The stress of making Christmas magic
I know I bring it upon myself, but I still get to complain about this. It’s Festivus, after all. All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuuu and also, for my kids to feel joy and excitement, to do some wish fulfillment but not too much wish fulfillment because I don’t want to raise brats, to send out a timely, hilarious holiday card, to surprise and delight Matty with my gift-giving prowess, to host a successful and low-stress Christmas dinner for my in-laws, and to not gain 10-lbs due to excess cheese and cookie consumption. Special bonus: it’d be extra merry if Rosie would stop anxiety peeing in the house. This is extra hard to pull off considering I was away for 13 days in December, which, by the way, exacerbated Rosie’s anxiety-peeing issue. It’s the holiday season, whoop-de-do!
Overzealous pilots announcements:
I’ve been flying a lot recently and I’ve noticed some pilots really like to hear themselves talk. I’ll be watching a movie, and right when John Wick is about to open yet another can of whoopass… “This is your pilot speaking, we’re now approaching our cruising altitude.” When John Wick is slowly peeling off his blood-soaked clothing…“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s 43 degrees at our destination.” As John finally, almost gets his redemption- “Sorry for the interruption, but I was just thinking about corn flakes. They couldn’t come up with a better name? But seriously folks, thanks for flying with us.”
THIS HAD NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE! I mooned the clouds, guys.
Cilantro
Ruining salsa since the dawn of time
Pharmaceutical ads
Does anyone patronize us more than pharma ads? Oh, don’t take Linvertica if you’re allergic to Linvertica? Thanks for the tip!
Lyft’s lies
“3 minutes away” my ass. I realize I’ve gone over this before.
My sense of direction
Or, lack of. I’ve always had a terrible sense of direction. We have a main street in my neighborhood called Centre Street. The main “downtown” part with lots of stores and restaurants is probably less than a mile long. Every single time I go into CVS, it’s like I’ve entered a wormhole. When I come out, I have no idea which way is which and if my daughter or husband aren’t with me, I usually walk in the wrong direction.
Last time I was in Austin, my work friends walked me to within a block of my hotel (the aforementioned Tommie of toilet-shower fame) and pointed out the door, “that’s where you live.” Then they left, I walked towards where they pointed, decided it looked wrong, and proceeded to walk in circles around the block until I ended right back where they left me and finally recognized the door of the Tommie.
The guy who wouldn’t let Kristin pee at the coffee shop
Fine, it was before it opened, but it was like 5 minutes before and WE’RE STILL MAD AT HIM. Still had coffee there after our run though. But in a mad way.
People who judge people who phone in their last-minute Festivus posts
But I know there’s no one like that here, right? Right?!
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