50 Ways to Celebrate Turning 50

I did it, guys. I’ve lived for half a century. I’m a decade past the age my friend Alix told me I should officially start shopping at Eileen Fisher. I’m only a year younger than Blanche Devereaux (coincidentally, my phone’s name) was in the Golden Girls. I’m “I like to kick, stretch, and KICK” years old. And unlike some oldies, who like to pretend their birthdays aren’t happening, I believe we should celebrate every rotation around this earth before my family destroys it with their War on Reusable Paper Towels™.

If you’re looking for ways to celebrate a big birthday, here are my recos:

1. Have your husband throw you a party. Notice I didn’t say, “Throw yourself a party.”

2. Leave all the planning to your husband and daughter. He’ll make sure the venue, music, drinks and food, are lit. She’ll make sure the invite and decorations are stylish. She’ll also make sure he doesn’t let anything slip through the cracks. Give your son a job like, “help with the balloons.” Party planning is not his forte and that is okay.

3. Go shopping for a party dress with your daughter and find a random jumpsuit at the Chestnut Hill mall, where a sweet lady with a mysterious European accent calls you “my baby” and insists it was made for you.

4. Make sure to accessorize with The Hat, the best purchase you’ve ever made in conjunction with your glitteriest friend, Rosa.

5. Get all the people you love* in one room so you feel like the star of your own biopic.

*Okay, not all. You know who you are and you owe me a birthday celebration. You have until June 26th, 2026.

6. Oh, your other accessory should be a crown. You’re only a 50th birthday princess once.

7. Have a signature cocktail at the bar. Ask the bartender for one. Try a sip and realize you don’t like it and hope she doesn’t notice when you hide it on a side table and order a High Noon Pineapple two seconds later.

8. Include your in-laws, which means your mother-in-law, sister and brother-in-law, and importantly, childhood friends-in-law.

9. Have your awesome friend DJ your party, loosely based on a half-assed Spotify list you gave him that was basically “Like a Prayer” meets “Pink Pony Club” meets “Man, I Feel Like a Woman.” Somehow, he still nails the perfect party atmosphere and looks adorable doing so.

10. Dance with a gorilla. Bonus points if said gorilla is your brother and he randomly scared some people in the hotel elevator.

11. Feel spoiled by the friends and family who showed up, who traveled from far away, and who showered you with gifts like emotional support dumpling stuffies, a custom jewelry gift certificate, and beauty products from Morocco.

12. Let your husband give a heartwarming speech that makes you feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

13. Dance so much you wipe out on the dance floor.

14. Dance so much you miss out on eating your own birthday cake.

15. Show up at the after party with balloons someone has tied to your person. You do not have to be sober at this point. It’s your birthday (party)!

16. Spend the night at a hotel in your home city. It’s fun and glamorous and exciting and who cares if your husband doesn’t bring his CPAP machine so he snores all night and when you get up to pee in the middle of the night because you’re 50 now and that’s what happens, you hit your knee on various things you didn’t expect to be there because it’s not your room.

17.Spend the rest of your pre-birthday week hanging with your brother, sister-in-law, and niece. Maybe do a weenie-themed escape room, I don’t know. The good news is that you and your brother will finally settle the long-standing debate of which one of you is the “smart one” when you both fail to figure out the clue “MONA LISA,” vehemently agreeing that the letters spell out “NO SALAMI.” Neither of you is the smart one. I guess it’s Teddy, our goldendoodle brother.

18. Travel to Austin at an ungodly hour on your actual birthday. Make this possible by missing your flight the night *before* your birthday. It doesn’t matter that you’ve done this exact flight dozens of times before, or that you have Clear and TSA pre-check. The Universe wants you to fly on your birthday!

19. On your actual birthday, wear a sash that says “It’s my birthday.” Wear it to the airport, on the plane, to the office, to happy hour, and then to karaoke. This way, people will wish you a happy birthday all day long!

20. Go to “work” on your birthday, but make it fun work, where you’re hanging with people you actually like and dogs you definitely like and editing your commercials, which you also like.

21. Speaking of work, find yourself the sweetest freelance producer in the world, who bakes you a homemade Tony’s Chocolonely Caramel Sea Salt inspired cake from scratch.

22. After work but before going out, try to hang out at the hotel rooftop pool. But then remember you’re 50 now, and you just ate 3 pieces of Tony’s Chocolonely Caramel Sea Salt inspired cake from scratch and you don’t enjoy “swimming” in a 20 x 30 pool with approximately 20 jabronis and 3 bachelorette parties. Congratulations, Kylie!

23. Sing karaoke (don’t forget the banner!) with friends from work. I recommend “Teenage Dirtbag” and an ambitious “Shallow” duet with a brave friend. (Thank you, Skyler. #nailedit)

24. Make rando friends at the karaoke bar who claim they’re 17 but really are more like 25. Feel like you’re 25 even though you’re 50.

25. Have a *second* birthday party with your Austin crew. Make sure it’s the most awesome and also most random collection of friends: say, your beloved old coworker and your soulmate you set him up with, your “farm friends” from your husband’s motocross gang, your work wife and her IRL husband, your really good friend from high school (also the best friend of your high school boyfriend) and your really good college friend’s little sister who has become your own friend/little sister. I said make them random!

26. Have a second-birthday-party-after-party at a cool Tiki bar. Drink from giant bowls that the waiter lights on fire while you scream excitedly.

27. Pretend you’re better than everyone by not having Facebook or Instagram on your birthday. (Even though it’s not because Meta thinks you’re better than everyone; it thinks you’re much, much worse.)

28. Come home from Austin and be welcomed and celebrated by your dogs like you’re Michael Jackson arriving in Tokyo in 1988. They greet you like this every time you go away, but maybe it feels extra special this time.

29. Eat the cookies your mom sends you. They’re gingerbread, they’re shaped like little 50’s, and they’re perfect. She’s made them for you every year of your life that you can remember.

30-50. Realize you’re old now. You don’t have to follow “norms” and meet “expectations.” Maybe 29 is the new 50 or 50 is the new 29. Irregahhdless, you’re in charge now. You can talk about yourself in the third person and lie about how many items will be on a list. Shit you’d never try to do in your 40’s.