And you know what that means, it’s time for the annual airing of grievances! “I got a lotta problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it!”
- Covid: I’m so tired of Covid – worrying about my family getting it, worrying about giving it to someone else, worrying about my family members and friends who have it, standing in line to get vaccinated/tested, nagging my kids to remember their masks, seeing George keep his mask on at all times because he forgets to take it off, that one person on the subway or on the plane or in the grocery store who isn’t wearing a mask because they’re an asshole, hearing idiotic theories on why people shouldn’t get vaccinated, worrying my husband won’t be able to get medical help at a hospital because idiots that didn’t get vaccinated are taking up all the resources, watching my kids miss out on birthday parties and movies in theaters and play dates, having to socialize with friends outdoors in 30º weather, realizing my vaccine and booster are essentially useless against Omicron (thanks, Johnson & Johnson), people still going on cruises. I could go on but you get it. GET VACCINATED AND WEAR A MASK.
- People chewing in public or in my own home (I’m looking at you, Matty). We’ve already talked about this.
- My family leaving balled up socks in their laundry hampers. I DON’T WANT TO UNBALL YOUR STUPID SOCK BALLS. No one seems to notice I’m on sock ball strike.
- Idiotic UX. Hey Apple, if I wanted to learn hieroglyphics, I would have majored in Ancient Egyptian studies. I have a split second to make a decision while I’m on a call, do you really think I can decipher this madness?
- Peppers – there, I said it. I don’t like them – red, green, orange, cooked, raw. Black pepper and hot peppers, you’re cool.
- TV commercials using cool songs for ads – you know when things stop being cool? When someone uncool starts using them. It’s like the time I said “Holla!” and made a raising the roof motion with my hands when I was a young New Yorker volunteering with underprivileged teens. You don’t know uncool until you’ve had two teenage girls verbally shame you on a rowboat. So I wish advertisers would learn that it’s the opposite of cool when you use “Welcome to the Jungle” in a car commercial. Suburban Karens in their culottes are driving your SUV to Tar-jay, Nissan, not the jungle, and you have brought me to my sha-na-na-na-knees with your lameness. It gets worse here everyday indeed.
- Scented trash bags – Trash smells bad enough without smelling like it went to Bath & Body Works and tried on all the lotions.
- Cheap toilet paper – this is a barrier between your hand and your butt, let’s not take any risks with flimsy paper. Also, your bidness deserves a soft touch. Even bears know this, and they sleep outside.
- People who sent out their holiday cards December 1st – I know your cards say, “Happy Holidays!” but what they’re really saying is, “You don’t even have an idea and you haven’t even asked Jonah if he has time to Photoshop your faces (which you haven’t photographed yet) into whatever stupid movie/TV show/renaissance painting you’ve selected yet, dummy? We’ve already mailed all of ours and dipped artisanal candy canes in cacao for our local senior center!” I don’t hate you, I just resent being reminded of my hot messiness.
- Air travel – Look, no one wants to go on an airplane now, but it’s like they’re making it as bad as possible now. First of all, ticket prices are insanely expensive. Secondly, not only is it bad for the environment, but now Google Flights reminds you by telling you how much CO2 you’re releasing into the environment. Then, because the flights are so expensive, they make you fly from like Boston to Dubai to Cincinnati to get to Toronto to avoid paying $2 million, and then they’re like, “hmm, quite a carbon footprint you’re leaving, earth hater.” Then, because you can’t afford these prices and don’t have Platinum Status in the CO2 Releasers Club, they put you in Group 12 just to shame you. “We’re gonna need you go gate check your bag, ma’am. I’m sure it won’t get lost in Dubai, although you have a tight connection.”
FEATS OF STRENGTH
Nobody will be pinning anyone in our house this Festivus. Instead, we will demonstrate our strength by not murdering each other as we spend the next week+ almost exclusively in each other’s company. Wish us luck!
I hope you all enjoy your Festivus. It is, after all, for the rest of us.