There’s a special kind of
conceitedness confidence it takes to attempt to write a book on parenting, and I’d feel a little obnoxious doing so, but every now and then I entertain the thought. It wouldn’t so much be a how-to, as my skill sets are pretty limited to teaching my kids pop culture catchphrases, nacho appreciation, and sarcasm, but more of a collection of personal essays. Help me pick out a possible title.
- Sucking at Everything – I was talking to a new friend the other day (shoutout to Ann!) and talking about being working mothers and she casually mentioned how her life was about “sucking at everything,” which is pretty much the mantra of most working moms I know.
- Why You Crying, Son? – When Hazy was just a baby, we took a family vacation to Ogunquit, Maine. Even though it was seven plus years ago, Matty and I both still vividly remember walking behind a man and his young son, around 3 years old, who was sobbing uncontrollably. The man, who looked like a total douche, nonchalantly said, “Why you cryin’, son?” and we just thought it was the douchiest thing possible. Keep in mind, he didn’t say son as in offspring, but as in “homie.” Of course, now “Why you cryin’, son” is such a part of our lexicon, that we occasionally catch ourselves using it on our kids when they’re crying about something ridiculous and we’re those douches.
- If You’re Not Yelling At Your Kids, You’re Not Spending Enough Time With Them – this was a quote from Reese Witherspoon that made me really, really like her. Also, you were great in Big Little Lies, Reese.
- I’m Sorry I Yelled At You – In case Reese copyrights her quote. Also, I say this about twice a day.
- This Isn’t At All Like My Pinterest Board – Pinterest me feeds her kids kale bites and broccoli muffins. Real life me told my kid he couldn’t have a string cheese until he finished the second hot dog he’d slathered ketchup on today. Pin that.
- Parenting Your Children With Mockery and Sarcasm – loosely based on Will Ferrell’s dog training video, Dissing Your Dog
- Mother of The Year – My mom friends and I have a sort of Opposite Day competition where we submit our greatest mom fails as a sort of sarcastic nomination for MOTY. Needless to say, I have quite a few submissions.
- I Ain’t Got Time For That – I don’t know if anyone remembers the “Ain’t nobody got time for that” lady, but she stuck with me, and I’ve adopted a paraphrased version of her catchphrase. Apparently, I say this quite a bit, because usually my kids will finish the sentence before I do. Things I ain’t got time for include: whining, fighting, taking more than 7 minutes to put on one’s shoes.
Let me know what other ideas you have in the comments.